What Not To Wear Harry Potter Style
by From the Silent Planet
Summary: Our Favorite Fashion Gurus have arrived! Ye be warned, fashion perpetrators of Hogwarts. Lily and Sirius are coming.... No Slash.
1. They Are Coming

Aloha! Well, I have another story. Future Chappies may or may not be co- written by my sister, depending on if she thinks it's worth it. Credit to be given to where credit is due, first of all.... I own not the works of J. K. Rowling, may she live forever (or at least to finish the series, Mwuhaha... ;-P Nah...we're better fans than that). Nor do I own What Not To Wear. If this has been done before on HP, I didn't steal it from you.  
  
What Not To Wear...  
Harry Potter Style  
  
"Our Secret Shooters have been watching a certain Potions Master for nearly two weeks. Severus Snape is a cunning and talented teacher and very popular with fanfiction ladies, but still leaves much to be desired in the fashion department. Our Fashion Gurus..."  
  
*Off camera. "Your sure that's the line?" "Stick to the Script!" "Okay" *  
  
"ahem.... our Fashion Gurus Lily Evans and Sirius Black are here with us today to surprise Mr. Snape at his 6th year Potion's class. They are looking to help bring some much-needed color to our Professor. The Secret Shooters Pig and Cy have been watching Mr. Snape every day from the rafters. They attempted to ask him inconspicuously what he thought about his choice in wardrobe, unfortunately he was not able to take the time to comment, as he had to prepare for Professorly meetings."  
  
* Footage runs, dark hared man being attacked by owls. He shouts and runs out of the room. Footage fizzles out. *  
  
"In just a few minutes Lily and Sirius will interrupt Mr. Snape's class, which he thinks is just an everyday Advanced Potions class. Little does he know that he is about to get the surprise of a lifetime. His entire class, nearly every student, all of the other teachers and half the population of the local wizarding town and forest have voted for him to get a Fashion Makeover."  
  
* More footage, this time of a dark haired boy and curly haired girl. A little sign added later to the footage says "Harry Potter & Hermoine Granger, 6th year Students." Boy shifts nervously and looks around. "Er...right well..." He looks around again.  
  
"Look at the camera! The camera, boy!" An anonymous voice mutters behind the camera.  
  
Curly haired girl shoves stuttering boy out of the way. "Well actually, sir, we can't help you. We value our lives too much to try to show you Professors Snape's wardrobe. Now please let us get to Herbology. You're making Harry nervous." She stated matter-of-factly, and marched off. Footage sizzles out again. *  
  
* "What's with this cheap Muggle technology?" Random voice from behind camera. *  
  
"Right, well, here we are with Lily and Sirius again! They are looking at what secret footage we have."  
  
"Ohhhh...LOOK! Oh, look, Sirius, isn't he cute? He's so nervous for the camera, that's my little boy!" Lily cooed. Sirius continued to attempt to turn his eyelids inside out, looking desperate to escape the room.  
  
* "AHEM!" Random voice again.*  
  
"Oh, right!" The two hosts for the show jump up. "Well, we're just about reveal our reve---secret fashion makeover plans to Mr. Snape!" Sirius said. He was the epitome of Wizarding Fashion, with a purple button-down shirt and black auror-syle pants under a light brown cape thrown casually over one shoulder.  
  
Both hosts snuck up to the heavy Potions room door, and peered inside of the gloomy room. Their Fashion-culprit was sitting idly by his desk, scowling at the papers scattered on the wooden surface. He was peacefully unaware of any scheming against his monotone black Transylvania-style wardrobe.  
  
Suddenly, our beloved hosts jumped out from behind the door with a shout.  
  
"And now they're going to reveal their plans to bring Mr. Snape back into the late 20th century. Let's go see what they're going to say.... if they survived..." Announcer wanders on to the scene, dragging his microphone behind him. Our respectable hosts look up, "Moony! Get back behind that camera!" Sirius yelled.  
  
Announcer yelps slightly, and runs back behind the camera. "Sorry, curiosity got the werewolf, ya know.... He muttered. "HEY!" He shouted. "Respect your announcer!" and then he continued to watch the scene closely on the side of the camera.  
  
Lily ran perkily up to the desk, well, at least she was running till she spotted Harry, "Oh! My baby.... you can handle this part, Sirius, can't you?" She asks.  
  
"Oh no you don't." Sirius said. "You promised that family reunions would wait till after the reveal." he chided, dragging her forward to the desk.  
  
Severus Snape had been watching the preceding events without much interest. After all, it was impossible to kill someone closely associated to the Potters; everyone knew this. He knew it; he'd tried it. They just keep coming back. He was attempting to go back to grading when Lily bounded up.  
  
She grabbed his arm and was trying to guide him to standing up so they could do the reveal. He didn't budge. She pulled again. He did finally look up, and scowled slightly.  
"May I help you Mrs. Potter?" He asked slowly and coldly.  
  
"Oh, it's just Miss Evans right now, since we traveled forward in time to film this show, you know." She said spiritedly. "But if you wouldn't mind standing up for a moment so the nice camera people can see you...." She asked.  
  
He sighed and looked around. Dumbledore was definitely going to get an earful about this. 


	2. Ecosystems and Temper Tantrums

EEeepp! I hope you all can forgive me; I've been and probably will be for a little while very sidetracked with the end of the school year.  Well, here is chapter number two.  Also, if you really want me to update faster, then you really need to review.  It would help, and it would make me smile!

Disclaimer.  Distressing, so distressing, but these characters are not mine!

Also IMPORTANT: These things basically indicate everything that goes on behind the camera.  Not that those watching can't hear or see it too (most shows have several cameras for different view points right?), but that's all just movie magic…. ( may also mean note at bottom, if its alone)

Commercial #1 on WarlockVision

            "Roar, roar, roar, roar.  Roar, roar, roar, roar.  Roar, roar, roar, roar, roar, roar, roar, roar."  The purple dragon sat at the counter, with the fellytone propped up against his ear (or the equivalent thereof) with his wing.

            "Guess tha' means ee's hungry!" Rubeus Hagrid stood outside his cabin, beaming at the camera.  The cameraman nodded vigorously, and Hagrid put the cell phone closer to his mouth.  A very loud chomping noise was heard on the other end, along with a loud "NOO!!!! No Norbert! Not the bunnies!!!" A very Weasley like voice shouted distantly on the other side of the fellytone. 

            Hagrid looked up as the other phone clicked off.  "And that's why dragons need Chickens 'n Rats!  All new from Cibus Horrendus magical animals food supply co.!"

Commercial Switches off

            Harry and the Weasleys at the Burrow all stare at the WarlockVision for a moment, and then look at each other.

            "I didn't know Hagrid wanted to be an actor." Ron said.

            "Find something new out everyday." Harry replied, as he settled back in his chair, munching on his popcorn.

            Back to programming

            "We're here with Lily Evans and Sirius Black as they surprise Severus Snape with a fashion makeover.   They've caught up with him in what he thought was a run-of-the-mill potion's class."

            "…That's right, you have been elected for a style-makeover with us by…"  Lily begins counting them on her fingers.  She'd given up getting Snape to stand and was standing next to his chair.  "…And Harry, Ron, Fred, George, Molly, Arthur, Tonks, Rosmerta, Fudge, Kingsley, Bill …" She continued.  Snape ignored her completely.

            Sirius was paying as little attention as Snape was to Lily, but was focusing entirely on the camera.  He'd smiled and winked at it, ignoring the director's angry face.  Finally the director stomped up to the front and drug the host away from the camera.

"Awww Jaammess, let me go, I'll be good…." Sirius could be heard wining in the background. 

            Completely oblivious to her surroundings, Lily had finally finished her counting.

            "And if you agree to come with us, you'll be spending a week in Hogsmeade with us, along with our makeup and hair styling specialists.  You'll also be receiving five thousand galleons" She pulled out a strange little card  "on your very own Wizard Platinum card." She showed it to him, or at least tried to (he ignored her), she was very proud of the fact that they'd found one that had a cauldron on it and said 'Potion's Masters are HOT.'  "All the money is yours to spend on a whole new wardrobe if you agree."

            Sirius bounded back onto the scene.  "We've been watching you for the past two weeks!  We've seen you in your black outfit which I see you have on now… Snape ignored him.  "And we've seen your gray nightshirt…and your black outfit, and the nightshirt, and the black outfit…" He started to look rather queasy.  Snape ignored him.  

            "Right, one of the things we need to do is show you how to….branch out a bit." Sirius beamed at the camera again. 

            "But there is a little catch." Lily said.  "If you choose to come with us you will have to surrender to us body, mind and wardrobe."

            "Yeah, all two items in your wardrobe." Sirius looked vaguely ill again.  Snape ignored him.  Neville stood up.

            "No! That's not true!  He really has three.  Remember the boggart…" Neville said.  Snape looked up.  Sirius walked over to Neville.

            "You an enemy of Snivellus?" He asked.  Neville gulped and nodded.  "Here's my card then." Sirius said. "It'll give you the spider address for the I Hate Snape Club."

            "That's the Web, Sirius.  It doesn't have a lot to do with spiders."  Remus muttered from behind the camera. 

            "STICK TO THE SCRIPT!" Came the director's voice.  Sirius jumped.

            "So, what do you say?" Lily asked Snape, who was still grading his papers, the only sign he was upset was his right hand pulling slightly at the end of his greasy hair.  Lily glanced at his hair in what she hoped was a covert manner.  She'd always wandered is he had spiders living in his hair, but she recoiled slightly after a short glance.  He had spiders.  In fact, he had an entire ecosystem living in the dark locks.  Probably had a nest of gundarks in there, if she cared to look close enough.

            "Are you still here?" Snape hissed at them, ignoring the camera with difficulty. 

The host was doing a slight jig from behind the camera.  He was jumping from leg to leg.  The director finally noticed and waved him off, the host tossed his microphone in the air as he ran to the loo.  Fortunately the cameraman had good reflexes.

            Snape sighed again.  "What are you doing here?" He asked.

            "We just finished telling you, don't you remember?" Sirius said.

            "Why aren't you all dead?" Snape asked.

            Sirius blinked for a moment.  "I'm…..I'm….James, he just said…did you hear what he just said…"

            "The script Si! The script!" The director muttered into his headset, which was connected to an earpiece in Sirius' and the rest of the cast and crew's ears.  James rather liked to think of his headset as a leash for reigning his crazy cast and crew in.  His 'wand of power', one might say.  "He doesn't know what he's talking about!" He told Sirius, as he waved a large and heavy looking book entitled, 'The Most Holy Mighty Script, Keep To It Or DIE.'

            "Why should I go with you?" Snape asked, while attempting to mind-over-matter Sirius out of existence with a angry stare.

            "Oh, yeah, that's real hard, how about. THE MONEY?" Sirius rolled his eyes.

            "I am payed perfectly well." Snape whispered, his voice becoming more threatening as time progressed.  Then a voice unheard till then rang out and stopped the showdown.

            "And yet, I think it would be…prudent…in relation to your job, if you did go." The voice said.  "And besides that, you have sixteen years of vacation to make up for." 

Albus Dumbledore stepped out of the shadows and smiled benignly at Snape. 

            "Oh, it is also very good to see you all again." Albus smiled at the cast and crew, then turned to Snape.  "You see, I am an old graduate of their style school myself." He stepped back so Snape could see the purple robes, which bore a very large picture of a lion on the front.  Sirius smiled proudly at him.  Just before…..

            Scene cuts off. 

Added on later to the shot, a large sign says "Moments later."  Unfortunately, this was not true, as it was really hours later, since Madame Pomfrey had to lift all of the various curses, jinxes etc. that Snape had bestowed quite generously upon everyone.  But of course, no one watching knew that.  Except for the spello-taped equipment and furniture, and the multi-colored skin of most everyone in the next shot.

            Harry sipped at his butterbeer, rubbed his nose, which was the same green as the rest of him, after Snape's temper tantrum (He'd been told the color would wear off soon).  He watched the WV (WarlockVision).  This was going to get interesting.

Okay…that got kind of loopy.  Tell me if you guys didn't understand it, cause I'm not sure I do myself…. Well, as always, if you want an update then you must review.  Really.  I get insecure about these stories, so I need to know if someone cares if I continue.

REVIEWS!!!!

            (Announcer) "We bring you are news caster Remus Lupin, who is here to give us a report of today's news.  Remus?"

            Camera pans to a desk, which looked almost empty, except for a bit of hair sticking out from behind it.

            "Ahem!  AHEM!"  Announcer says. 

            "Oh, okay." Newscaster stands up.  Everyone gasps GASP.  He is bright pink.  Even his hair was.  Pink doesn't compliment a pinstriped gray suit.  At least this pink didn't.

            "Right." Remus said.  "Besides the evil author who is insisting on torturing and mutilating all us poor characters." (glares)

            "The said author has received a whole four reviews!   Though what makes her worthy, I sure don't know…" (author glares)

            "We hope that Chaotic Demon meant well.  We think she did?" He asks.  "In other news, Miss Piratess seems to be a fan of mine.  I certainly hope the pink is not here to stay…and we always love to hear from Hobbitinguard, she's one of our favorite reviewers!"

            "Back to the subject, unless you want to stay pink."

            "NO! Ok. I'll behave.  And Bored and Delirious is thanked, and is also absolutely correct.  This is absurd.  Who let's this author write?"  Cowers back slightly at angry glare, then runs off the stage, screaming 'Not the pink! Not the pink!'

Sung to 'Meow meow meow meow…"

            Fellytone, well, that's just me being silly.  Sorry, but I think the word is cute.


	3. Hiding the Evidence

Dies Bonus!  Ah….another year of Latin come and gone….Well, be proud of me, I did really well on my Introduction to Latin Exam, got an award and everything…yeah.  Well, here we go again…

Disclaimer:  I am the elf of Azkaban.  Mirkwood is my true homeland.  But J. K. Rowling's books I do not own.   Now I will try to tempt that key-carrying dog with a bone….ah, to be free….

"Severus Snape is sitting in the back of a carriage of Hogwarts that is taking him to Hogsmeade.  He has been given a video camera to record his personal thoughts.   After being threatened with lots of pink and a painful dog bite, he has agreed to use it."  The message the announcer had prerecorded played.

  The director leaned back, watching the footage.   Quickly growing frightened by what he saw, he phoned the manager of the television company that produced the show. 

_            Personal Thoughts Camera footage runs._

Rocking back and forth in his seat, Severus muttered and avoided actually looking at the camera.   "I can't believe I'm here.  I can't believe I'm here.  Dumbledore is definitely overstepping his bounds as an employer.  I'm going to get out now and find a new job.  Right now. "  He said. 

"Isn't that right Slinky?  Bad wizard can't make us go.  We are going to get out right now and join the Dark Lord.  At least _he_ doesn't hire people based on appearances!" 

Severus turned his attention from his stuffed platypus (which he had named Slinky as a child in a moment of rebellion, he had really wanted the _snake, _but mum had said no) to the camera as he mentioned He-who-must-not-be-named.    An insane look came over his face, and he picked up the plastic grocery bag that held his entire wardrobe.  Slowly moving to the door of the coach, he peered out of the small window, and pushed the door open.  Then he looked back at the camera, and switched it off muttering what sounded suspiciously like 'no evidence' and 'evil headmaster'.  

_The footage fizzles out for a moment with the camera turning off.  _

But unknown to Snape, the Fashion Gurus had a secret weapon.   Their sharpshooter Pig, who was their secret-camera owl, was flying around over the coach as it rolled along an old Scottish country road that ran between Hogwarts and Hogsmeade.  

Inside the coach, Severus tucked Slinky into his belt, completely oblivious to the fact he was still being watched, and leaned out of the door watching trees fly by.    As they passed a clearing, he pulled his grocery bag close to himself, and leaned out a little further.   The footage showed that he seemed to be gathering his courage.   He took a deep breath, let forth a battle cry, and then he jumped.

He rolled down the hill unhurt, and sprang up to take off at a run heading for the nearest Muggle town.   But our Favorite Fashioneers are no idiots.    As he was running, a golf cart bearing the announcer and the long-suffering cameraman, (along with Pig the camera-owl, who had told them of the getaway) showed up from behind a bush.   It immediately started chasing the escapee.

"And now we're here giving chase to Mr. Snape.   This is not because he signed an agreement to do the show, but more because he has our five thousand galleon credit card in the same pocket as the stuffed animal is in and we can't afford to lose that much money…" The announcer stopped for a moment.   Shouting could be heard coming from his earpiece.

  "GET BACK ON SUBJECT!" The director takes a deep breath then hangs up.

"Right.   We've almost caught up with Mr. Snape." said the announcer.  "Here Joe, let me take over the controls, you've got enough with that camera…" 

"I don't think that is the best idea." The cameraman said, juggling expertly between his camera and the strangely high-tech controls (for a golf cart).

"Okkk…. if you insist."  The announcer whined.  Suddenly a beeping to the Darth Vader theme came from his pocket.   "Just a sec…" He answered it.  "Remus speaking, what up?" he asked.  "Uh huh, uh huh, Saturday?  Good.   How about…" A sudden screaming interrupted his reply.

Actually, there were two people screaming, but he decided the first, emanating from the general direction of the earpiece he'd taken out when he answered his cell phone, was more dire. 

"MOONY!  HANG THAT PHONE UP OR YOU ARE FIRED!  NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR YOU TALK TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND!"  James took a deep breath.  In and out, in and out.  Why was everyone who worked for him an idiot?

Unfortunately, the host really couldn't be bothered to listen to his bosses rant, as he was too busy attempting to tackle the runaway, who was the other who had been screaming when the golf cart had almost run him over.  Hanging up his cellphone, Remus let out a howling battle cry and took a flying leap out of the golf cart, aiming for Snape.  He missed by about four yards, but was not deterred as he gave chase to Severus.  

_Meanwhile_

The director was hanging his head in shame and redialing his boss (he hadn't gotten through the first time), hoping for permission to fire the host on grounds of insanity.  Finally he got through.

"Hello, yes this is James Potter, director for What Not To Wear…….uh huh……well….Right, I'd like to fire the announcer…..Insane, that's what….Oh, just come down to the set any old day, you'll see…..ok, thanks….goodbye…."   He sighed, relaxing slightly.   No way was he going to feel guilty about this.  Maybe Moony could find a job as a weatherman or something…

_Elsewhere, also being watched by a camera as they waited for their next victi—ahem --- guest._

Sirius and Lily sat around the table at their fashion headquarters in Hogsmeade.   Actually, the announcer, who had somehow been in charge of the sign outside, had labeled the building 'Fashion Fortress', so that was what most people knew it as.  No one else who worked there had been very happy about it though.

"Pass the Double Bubble Fudge please, Lily."  Sirius asked.  They had been starving when they arrived, only to find the only thing in the building was ice cream.  Sirius was certain it was all one of Remus's conspiracies, to make the two hosts fat so he could host the show.  

Sirius's evilly scheming thoughts (mostly involving gruesome deaths to one announcer) were interrupted by shrill screaming coming from outside the window.  He and Lily looked at each other, and they both took off running to the window, Lily's high-healed shoes leaving small skid marks on the white floor.   They lifted the blinds, the cameramen leaning over them to catch everything on video. 

Outside the window, pandemonium had broken out.  Townspeople jumped out of the narrow street, as a golf cart came barreling down the street, the camera-bearing man shouting apologies as he went.   Being chased by the cart was one insane looking dark haired man who was waiving a stuffed animal as he ran.  A young man chased him, a chocolate bar halfway in his mouth while he waved a microphone in front of himself and screaming through the chocolate about someone being 'in denial'. 

Sirius sighed.  It looked like the first day of the journey to high fashion for Severus Snape had begun.   He turned to put away the chocolate and change the close he'd dribbled Minty Monkey on.  Had to hide the evidence.

Reviews:

            "We are back with News at 13 o'clock with our anchorman, Remus Lupin.  He's back in normal color, which may be adjusted on you WarlockVision if you liked the pink.   What is on the headlines today?" 

            Remus quickly swallowed his cocoa and smiled.   "Well, today….oh no…to Samara Morgan-ring…."  He reads, and then throws himself under the desk.  "Not the Fluffy Monkeys!  We fear them! We will do anything!  Anything I say!"   The weatherman has to pull him out from under the desk.  Finally he comes back in front of the camera, looking shaken.

            "And in other recent news, besides that the author is sugar-high, we (the author and I that is) hope that Lil' Moony and Lil' Padfoot are not disappointed, and if they have torture methods for one Snape the marauders would love to hear them…"

            "Back on subject Moony, you have five, four…."

            "Right! Right, ok…." He smiles charmingly.  "Why thank you, IloveMoony04, and I must say, I rather like your name…"

            "MOONY?….I am warning you…..three…. two….           

            "NOOO!!  I'LL BE GOOD!"

            "We'll see."

            "Right.   And to Hobbitinguard, we thank you as ever for your review.  I would as marauder however like to register my slight revulsion at the thought of Snape in anything that looks like leather, however my author has a mind of her own, but I will beg her against it, just think of the images, oh the images…."  He looks around, wandering why he isn't being yelled at by the author.  Unfortunately she can only shake her finger, as her mouth is too full of popcorn to yell.

            "And in today's last bit of news, (but certainly not least) I would like to register with Miss Piratess first my thanks and also that I WANT ONE TOO!  WHAA!  After all, no one pays me enough…. they all think I'm nuts…"

            A very large anvil falls inches from the anchorman.  He runs off the set screaming.

            "And that's all for now folks!  Join us for the next update of What Not To Wear _Harry Potter Style_"

As always, if you want a fast update you need to review.  Thanks.


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